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Trinity In Twelve Weeks

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This week is about maintaining healthy relationships, covering:
  • Making Friends
  • Peer Pressure
  • Isolation
  • Dealing with Difficult People
  • Consent

Making Friends

Making Friends

By now, many of you will have met lots of new people and made new friends. But, if you have found it difficult to make friends since arriving, or if you want to expand your group, here a few tips for how to branch out and meet new people (and a few things to avoid doing at the start!)

  1. Introduce Yourself
    • Don't wait for people to come and talk to you, be brave and introduce yourself!
  2. Be Chatty
    • Join in class discussions, or ask classmates about assignments/lectures. You'll come across as more approachable if you are engaged in everyday situations.
  3. Be Interested in People
    • Ask people questions about themselves, and be interested in their responses. Just take care not to interrogate them!
  4. Include Yourself
    • Sometimes people don't think to give explicit invitations to things. If you are with a group of people who are discussing plans to do something, ask if you can come along.
  5. Smile & Laugh
    • Not when you're walking around on your own obviously, but people are drawn to happy people.
  6. Watch Your Posture
    • If you are sitting with your arms and legs crossed and your head down, you are not approachable. Try to keep your body language open, your head up, and make eye contact (but don't stare!)
  7. Don't Hide Out
    • If you're going to do some reading, or have time to kill, go to communal spaces rather than hiding somewhere more private. Take out/off your headphones.
  8. Hang Out on Campus
    • Particularly if you're commuting in and out every day. Don't always leg it immediately after class for the bus - stick around and see if classmates are doing anything. Find society events that are on during the day if you have breaks between lectures.
  9. Invite Someone To Go For Coffee or Lunch
    • This is one of the scarier suggestions, but if you're chatting to a classmate on the way out of a lecture, ask them what they're doing now and if they want to get coffee or lunch. Don't take it personally if they have other plans, continue to be friendly and ask again another time.
  10. Join a Society or a Club
    • And get involved. Go to events, step up to participate.
  11. Go to Events and Parties
    • Everyone is a bit more relaxed and approachable at a party or fun event. Go to Ents or society events, or to parties you're invited to. Even if you won't know anyone else, go along and see who you might meet. It can be uncomfortable at first, but stay for an hour and see how you get on. Remember to approach people to talk to them - they won't necessarily come up to you.
  12. Be Brave!

How to Make Friends in College

Things Not To Do

  1. Don't be Weird
    • Everyone has a weird side - it's part of what makes everyone individual - but don't let it all out when you're meeting people for the first time. Telling people you have all of your baby teeth in a jar at home before telling them what you study might creep them out a little. As you get to know people better, you'll gradually find out about their weird side and they will about yours too (although, maybe still keep the tooth jar quiet!).
  2. Don't Invade People's Personal Space
    • Don't be too tactile with people you are just getting to know, and don't stand too close to people when you are talking. Try to leave about an arm's length of distance between you. If someone takes a step back when you are talking to them, they are creating their personal space boundary: do not then step forward into that space.
  3. Don't Try Too Hard to Be the Centre of Attention
    • Don't always be putting on a show for people or pulling attention back to you. You need to listen to other people's contributions to conversations as well as your own.
  4. Don't Lie
    • This one is good advice in general. People don't like being lied to, and it's very difficult to keep a lie going if you do become friends.
  5. Don't Complain Constantly
    • We all love a good whinge - particularly when the workload is building up, but make sure to talk about positive things as well.

Where to Make Friends

Check in with your S2S Mentor to make sure you know about meet ups that they organise, and go along to the New 2 Dublin sessions held in the Global Room every Wednesday for the first 8 weeks of term. As well as getting to know your classmates, make sure to take part in Club and Society events to try and meet new people. If you're interested in something that there isn't a society for, have a look on MeetUp.com to meet some like-minded folk. Or, you could always set up your own society!

New 2 Dublin

S2S Mentor

Clubs

Societies

MeetUp.com

Advice on How to Succeed Socially

Peer Pressure

Peer Pressure

Positive Peer Pressure

Positive peer pressure is when your friends, family, etc. encourage you to do (or not do!) something for your benefit. For example, your friends might urge you to try new things or talk you out of dangerous decisions. The friend who won't let you drive home after a few drinks is exerting positive peer pressure on you, as is the one who convinces you to take up a new hobby that you end up loving.

Negative Peer Pressure

Negative peer pressure is when you feel pressured by someone, some group, etc. to do something that you wouldn't normally do that will have negative consequences for you. Whether we like to admit it or not, we have all given in to negative peer pressure at points in our lives. It's important that you decide what you are comfortable with, and become confident in saying no if someone is pressuring you. A good friend should respect your decision.

How to Combat Negative Peer Pressure

  • Prepare by rehearsing scripts in your mind. Think about possible scenarios and what you could say or do in response o them.
  • Educate yourself. Learn about issues or substances like drugs so that you can confidently speak your opinion knowing that it is supported by facts.
  • Speaking out pays off. If you hesitate, you may be pressured more.
  • Respect yourself. Refuse to give up on your values (whatever they may be).
  • It's your life! Don't forget you always have a choice.
  • Refuse. Don't let other people intimidate you.
  • Don't put yourself in a position where you know you may be pressured to do something you don't want to.
  • Pick your friends wisely.

If someone is frequently pressuring you to do things you are not comfortable with, think about the following things:

  1. What is in this relationship for you?
  2. Do you respect this person and their opinions?
  3. Do you trust them?
  4. If you give in to the pressure, will you regret it later?
  5. Does what this person encourages go against your values?
  6. Does this person respect you and your opinions?
  7. Do you respect yourself?
  8. What will you lose if you don't do what the person encourages?
  9. What benefit is there in doing it?
  10. Is this a relationship you need, or is it more trouble than it's worth?
Peer Pressure Resources

Isolation

What Is Isolation?

Isolation is when we are separated (or feel separated) from the people and things around us. We may be isolated because we choose to be separated from others or because of a situation we can’t control (such as moving home or bereavement).

Most of us experience feelings of loneliness at some point in our lives. It might be because we spend more time by ourselves than we want, or because we feel disconnected from the people around us. It is possible to feel lonely and isolated when surrounded by other people. All kinds of things can make us feel different – our gender, our ethnicity, our height, our weight, or the way we dress. We can also feel isolated because of how we think and feel, if we believe others don’t feel or think the same. For example, you may feel that you take College work more seriously than your classmates, that no one else shares your passion for classical music, or that everyone except you has the latest designer handbag.

If You Are Feeling Isolated

If you are struggling with isolation, you might feel like just giving up and cutting yourself off from other people, but this is likely to make the loneliness and isolation worse. Try to stay connected with your community or to find activities where you can meet people who have the same interests as you. Doing things with others can really help – the more things you get involved with, and the more people you get to know, the less likely you are to feel isolated and alone.

If you have no family or friends living nearby or have lost touch over the years, this can be a source of isolation and loneliness. Why not take action to get in touch, even if it’s been a long time? Pick up the phone, write a letter, or send an email. The good news is that others may benefit from your call, too! Everyone feels a bit lonely at some stage or other - you can change this by making the first move. The key is to not wait on others to get in touch.

Managing Loneliness and Isolation
Isolation

Dealing with Difficult People

Difficult People

While you are in College, you will find yourself in situations where you have to deal with difficult people and disagreeing parties. These might be friends, romantic partners, lecturers, TAs, or family members.

Here are some general strategies for handling conflict- and high-tension- situations and difficult people without causing yourself too much undue stress:

  • Keep your cool
  • Keep a distance from them if you can
  • Be proactive, not reactive
    Focus on solving the problem, not defending yourself.
  • Pick your battles
  • Put the spotlight on them
    If their focus is on what's wrong rather than how to solve the problem, ask them questions that will require them to think about solutions rather than putting down your contrbutions.
  • Use appropriate humour, if the situation allows for it
  • Confront a bully - if you can do so safely.

If you are being bullied or harassed by anyone in College, you can find the Dignity and Respect Policy as well as the Student Complaints Procedure on the Policies website. You might also wish to speak to the Dignity, Respect, and Consent (DR&C) Service.

College Policies

DR&C Service

Types of Difficult People

You'll often find that difficult people exhibit particular types of behaviour. If you can identify their behavioural patterns, it can help you to deal with the problems they present.

Clingers

Those who are clingy often want to be taken care of and loved. They may feel weak and so be attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.

Don't try to avoid clingy people. Instead, give them responsibility and show them how to do things for themselves.

Controlling People

Controlling people have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless. Typically, they won't back down even if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don't care about facts, only about being right.

Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types often fear that they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don't turn an encounter into a contest of who's right and who's wrong — you'll never outplay a controlling type at their own game.

Competitive People

Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won't let go.

Competitive people can't be pacified by pleading or any display of emotion. Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won't have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types will find a way to back down without losing.

Self-important People

These people have to have their say. You typically can't shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however.

Self-important people tend to forget what they said very quickly. If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy is to sit back and enjoy the show.

Chronic Complainers

These people are bitter and angry but haven't dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal.

Your only option is generally to put up with chronic complainers and stay away when you can. Don't agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness.

Victims

Victims are frequently passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they will inevitably have had something bad happen to them which held them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged.

The best tactic to deal with victim types is to get as angry as you normally would at poor behaviour, if called for. Don't take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a "poor me" type without the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than sympathy. (For example, if they say that they might fail a module, say "I can lend you my notes and help you study," instead of "That's awful. You must feel terrible.")

Dealing with Difficult People

Consent

What is Sexual Consent?

Sexual consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. There are many ways to give consent, and some of those are discussed below. Consent doesn’t have to be verbal, but verbally agreeing to different sexual activities can help both you and your partner respect each other’s boundaries.

How Does Consent Work in Real Life?

Consent is about communication, and it should happen every time you engage in sexual activity. Giving consent for one activity, one time, does not mean giving consent for increased or recurring sexual contact. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future.

Here at Trinity, we use the acronym FRIES to help us all understand when consent is and isn't given. FRIES tells us that consent is and should be:

  • Freely Given - this means that everyone who is involved has decided they want to be involved by themselves, no pressure, no pushing, no fear.
  • Retractable - everyone involved can change their mind at any point!
  • Informed - everyone knows the story about what's happening, what's going to happen, etc. For example, each of the involved parties knows if/what contraception is being used, if anyone is being treated for STIs, etc.
  • Enthusiatic - this means that everyone involved is excited about what's happening.
  • Specific - you know exactly what you're consenting to, and know that this consent is specific to this instance - it's not given as a precedent!

It's really important to remember that you can withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable. Clearly communicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with this activity and wish to stop. The best way to ensure both parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it.

Consent Can Look Like This:

  • Communicating when you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like: 'Is this OK?'
  • Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying 'yes' or another affirmative statement, like 'I’m open to trying.'
  • Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level.

Consent Does NOT Look Like This:

  • Refusing to acknowledge 'no.'
  • Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more.
  • Someone being under the legal age of consent, which is 17 in Ireland.
  • Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol.
  • Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation.
  • Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past.

If You Need Support for Sexual Assault

If you have been assaulted, there are a number of services within and outside of College who you should make contact with.